Jerry Springer: The Most Entertaining Form of “Therapy”

I was watching Jerry Springer again the other day (because it’s on some channel at all times), and I forgot how awesome it is. They just bring people on TV so they can break some life changing news to someone else. It’s crazy some of the shit people will tell each other on Jerry Springer. “That’s right Jerry, I’ve been having sex with my stepdog’s mother for over 8 years now… And I’m here to propose.”

The shit is always so ridiculous. I don’t understand how anyone on that show can be surprised anymore. Every guest MUST know that some bad shit is about to happen. “When I found out he was sleeping with my sister on the ‘he’s sleeping with my sister’ episode, I was shocked Jerry.”

And you know Jerry must be so tired of hearing these poor people’s problems. Whenever a guest is explaining a situation, in his head he’s probably going, “Yea, yea, you fucked you’re uncle, fathers in jail, your brothers your boyfriend, hurry it up. Get to the interesting part.”

The best people on that show though are the bouncers. Because the weirdest job. “Hey whoa don’t fight, calm down!… But seriously fight a little bit.” They even have a bell go off like a boxing match! That’s not helping anything out! I can just imagine every staff meeting before the show the bouncers are like, “hey guys, I know I say this every day… But please, stop with the bell! For some reason it makes the guests fight!”

This is the most dysfunctional group therapy I’ve ever seen!

Jerry Springer is the only show where you can see two women go from fighting, to stripping in 20 seconds. Then back to fighting again. And I love seeing the angry girlfriends beating the shit out of their cheating boyfriends. The guy just has to stand there and take it like a bitch in front of everyone. “Yea, I guess this is what I get for sleeping with that midget.” (I know we’re not supposed see midgets any differently, but seriously if someone cheated on you with a midget that would totally be worse. It would really crush your ego.)

The crowd is really what makes the show magical. They’ve found the perfect mix of people to make a rowdy crowd. It’s like 20 frat kids, 50 people who just wanted to skip work that day, and a bus that came straight from prison.

But my favorite part of the show is when Jerry goes, “Ok, does anybody in the crowd want to talk some shit?” And he walks around and lets people say mean shit to the guests. “This ones for the beached whale with the clown make-up in the back… You’re fat!” (I like when the crowd member makes a joke and it doesn’t go over well. Like the Jerry Springer crowd’s standards are too high.)

The commercials they play during shows like Jerry Springer are great too. They really paint a picture of their target demographic. College commercial, injury lawyer, structured settlement, make-up, Vagisil. So if you’re watching Jerry Springer, you’re stupid, you’ve probably been in some accident recently cause your stupid, You have a structured settlement but you “need cash now” so you’re really stupid, you’re ugly, and your vagina stinks. (My vagina does stink a little bit, I won’t lie.)

Then the show ends with “Jerry’s Final Thought” where he tries to make up for the last 25 minutes, and save the integrity of the show by speaking some words of wisdom. “While we’ve had our fun tonight, in reality being a drug addict prostitute is a very serious problem and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Sometimes when we’re under stress we turn to drugs and alcohol to make us feel better. It’s only through the support of friends and family that we can learn to heal over time and take one step closer to sobriety every day. So if you or anyone you know struggles with being a drug addict prostitute… CALL US! We’ll give you $50 and let you fistfight on TV! Come on pussy, you scared to fight on TV? You won’t! I double-dog dare you to come on here and say some shit! Come on, you’ll be famous! We’ll give you free birth control for a whole month!”

John’s Final Thought: Even though Jerry Springer is a show full of terrible white-trash behavior, it’s funny. So who cares if we’re promoting the behavior and exploiting poor people? If anything we’re killing two birds with one microphone. So please… Give me money for entertaining you.

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